Pain..

Where do I start? Every day is a battle against anxiety and depression.

I can not stop thinking, it continues to run up in my head. I turn everything against me even though I know deep inside it's nonsense. I'm terrified of losing, even though it's not a reality. Fear takes over, which it shouldn't. I need to pull myself out of the black holes I jump into, but it always takes so long time.
Am I really that awful girl I see in that mirror? I try to get professional help, but it is not easy .. The doctor has time for me in a month, I will talk to him about getting some help so I do not have to pay the fill cost of a psychologist, it's only rich that can afford it!

I do not wish to think like this, I don't know how to control it. I wish I could just have peace in my head, just for a week or so.

I got removed from my cash assistance because of my fortune. I got my children's savings when I was 21st. We were on our way to figure out what would happen to me (the last four years). If I can work, early retirement, pills, psychological help. I've been through so many tests on the psychiatric ward, where it shows I have anxious personality disorder, they sent the results to the government, I must avoid stress and they should not push me into things that might trigger my anxiety.
But after they took my cash assistance, my case worker said nothing to me .. not even heard if I was okay or what was happening around me. Nothing. I like air.

What should I do to help? If I follow the path which leads me go? This pain is unbearable and I yell for help. But this is like yelling underwater ... I can not see any end to it here.

Positive things;
I talked with my contact person about what was going on up in my head how I feel etc, it relieved a lot to meet understanding instead of a wall.

My sister came over the weekend and brought joy. She can make me so happy. :)

Can not really find more positive things right now, but it's a good start atleast.